This is a special satirical guest post from Andrew Benedict.
You got worries? Throw ‘em on my back. You got troubles? Throw ‘em on my back? You got problems? You got issues? You got conflict? Throw it all on my back. I’m here to help.
You got disaster? Throw it on my back. You got despair? Throw it on my back. You got strife? Throw it on my back. This is where I come in.
You got an old refrigerator? Please don’t put that on my back. You got a box of old text books? Don’t throw those on my back either. Do you need help moving? That’s not what my back is for.
Do you have conflict? I can do that. Do you need waste removal? That’s not in my wheel house. Do you have a mental burden burning at your subconscious? I can take some of that off your plate.
Do you have a body you need to discreetly dispose of? I would not report you to the authorities, but I couldn’t help get rid of a body.
Do you often have bodies to dispose of? I can’t do anything for that. Do you do the actual killing yourself? I don’t think I could bring myself to follow through. Do you take orders from some kind of pit boss or would one go directly to you if they wanted someone offed? I’m asking for a friend. Do you ever say “offed” or did I pick that up from a movie and embarrass myself? I don’t know murder lingo.
Do you think I shouldn’t say the word “murder” in case I end up paying you to off someone? I have money. Do you have a going rate or can we negotiate? I have six hundred dollars. Do you ever do something like that for six hundred dollars? I can get more. Do you ever off someone in exchange for free non-certified therapy aka non-friendship venting. I can’t get more. Do you ever off someone in exchange for help moving, waste removal, or refrigerator transport? Let’s strap that shit on my back. Read More